Light
Regular
Medium
Bold
Jungmyung Lee
Basic Western European
Central European
South Eastern European
Written by Lieven Lahaye
PIRELLI THIN ITALIC
PIRELLI LIGHT ITALIC
PIRELLI REGULAR ITALIC
PIRELLI MEDIUM ITALIC
PIRELLI BOLD ITALIC
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The Emerald Ash Borer is a tiny beetle that feeds on ash trees. Harmless in its native East Asian habitat, it is a pest elsewhere. Because of its rapid spread since its accidental introduction in the 1990s, it will cause the ash tree to disappear. This will likely happen during our lifetime. “Figure ‘D’”— named after the D- shaped exit hole left in the bark of the ash tree after the E.A.B. bores its way out of the ash tree—is a play in three acts:
ACT 1, “The Real Green Monster?”, an extended introduction to the cast of characters and their motives: E.A.B. (Emerald Ash Borer, beetle), Amanda Coletta (Dutch-Italian newspaper reporter, love interest of our protagonist) and our protagonist, Dee Dee Ramone (original Ramones bass player, recovering drug addict, would-be botanist); ACT 2, “Ash Adaptation”, during which the characters are in doubt and – finally – ACT 3: “The Allure of Maple”, in which everyone gives up. The topic of the beetle causing the ash tree’s extinction (which will likely happen during our lifetime) is an appealing one for a play. Besides the fact that it just sounds great, it contains all the classic elements (plot, characters, setting, symbolism). This play basically writes itself.
First, we need a villain. Naturally, that role goes to the E.A.B.. A tiny beetle causing the total destruction—likely during our lifetime—of a magnificent species of tree, one of the hardest common hardwoods.
E.A.B. is easily identified by the clear mark it leaves—the D-shaped exit-hole— which, in turn, leaves a thankful opening for symbolism. Do you know how often “D” (the letter, fourth in the Latin alphabet, uppercase variant) is related to the topic of despair, latent danger or the end of life as we know it? Pfff. So often. “D-DAY”: the day of planned combat. “SYSTEM D”: in which “D” refers back to the French démerde, a shorthand for the manner in which something or someone, no matter what, can get the job done. “D-BEAT”: a musical genre of bands that are heavily influenced by the sound, philosophy and aesthetics of British crust punk band Discharge (1977–87, 1991–99, 2001–present). Denizens of this genre are “DISCLOSED” (from Japan), “DISFEAR” (Sweden), “DISRUPT” (USA)… “‘D’ seems to be the first letter in the alphabet that doesn’t have a universal meaning attached to it: “A’” for best, “B” for second best, “C” for C U Next Thursday ”, Amanda Coletta points out early on in the play, “Or maybe “D” is the first letter of a message the E.A.B. is writing to the world’s population.” “Or the last”, Dee Dee interjects, “and it’s spelling out ‘THE END’.” “Whichever.” The appearance of the D-shaped exit hole on the bark of a mighty ash means business. After laying its eggs in the crevices of the bark, the E.A.B.’s larvae will hatch, enter the tree, feed on the layers underneath the bark and finally, all grown up, bore their way through the bark and emerge as full-grown E.A.B. It’s as clear as
“Linda
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Johnny”,
carved in an oak tree…
“D” means the mighty ash is possessed. The size of the D-shaped exit hole equals the size of the circumvention of the E.A.B that grew up inside the tree. For didactic purposes, the E.A.B.’s size is most often measured in comparison to a 5 CENT EURO coin (penny for American theater production). This means we’re dealing with a villain that is barely visible, yet ever present. This will provide a much needed, constant, tension.
We need heroes. The play is set in 90s Amsterdam, at which time the E.A.B. pest has still to reach The Netherlands (but it will, inevitably). In the meantime, it is spreading rapidly throughout the North American woodlands. Our hero comes out of those woods as the unlikeliest of heroes. Dee Dee Ramone is the original bass player of The Ramones, known for counting off “1–2–3–4” at the beginning of every song (until his final appearance – on 1989’s “Brain Drain”) and was briefly (1987–1989) known as Dee Dee King. After his failed attempt at a rap career, his many attempts at putting together a steady line-up for his band, “Dee Dee Ramone I.C.L.C.” [Inter Celestial Light Commune] and in a final attempt to kick his decades-long drug addiction, Dee Dee leaves NYC and moves to Amsterdam. It is the fall of 1992 and his reasons for choosing Amsterdam as his new home base are never made clear. As everyone in the play keeps pointing out, 90s Amsterdam is a terrible place to kick a habit. Still, Dee Dee seems to thrive in the city. However, it should be noted at this time that Dee Dee’s expectations of quality-of-life as a recovering addict are so low that his idea of “thriving” is slightly out of sync with most people’s reality.
One day at the music store, Dee Dee learns about the ironic fate that Dutch Elm Disease has wiped out all elm trees back home but have left the elm population in The Netherlands miraculously untouched. To add insult to injury, Amsterdam is known as “The City of Elms”. This, coupled with the fact that E.A.B. has yet to reach these parts, makes Dee Dee ecstatic about his new hometown. Dee Dee sees it as proof positive that Amsterdam is, if not paradise, at least a very safe haven. During their many walks through the city, Dee Dee reveals himself to Amanda as a would be amateur botanist. The problem is, he has trouble identifying ash trees, as all trees “sort of look like one of two or three kinds anyway”. He has an easier time identifying the wood of the ash tree, as it was used to make the classic Louisville Slugger baseball bat. His fascination for the ash trees of Amsterdam is therefore instead expressed by listing the many applications of ash wood he encounters throughout the city.
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“The wainscoting in the Arti et Amicae snooker room is ash”
“That hammer handle over there is made of ash” etc. etc. Amanda—and everyone else, frankly —finds this contradictory, as the ash trees had to die for these products to be made, a point that is frequently—constantly—lost on Dee Dee.
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Needless to say, everyone grows a bit tired of Dee Dee. Experiencing dire moments, coupled with the threat of the inevitable arrival of the E.A.B., Dee Dee no longer sees Amsterdam as a haven but rather as purgatory. He eventually assembles a new lineup for his band “Dee Dee Ramone I.C.L.C.” and records the heavily E.A.B.-inspired album “I hate freaks like you”. The third act of the play will consist of cover versions of the following songs from the album, anticipating eventual doomsday:
“Curse on Me”, “Runaway”, “Life Is Like a Little Smart Alleck”, “Trust Me”, “I’m Seeing Strawberry’s Again”, “Don’t Look in My Window”, “I’m Making Monsters for My Friends”, “I Hate Creeps Like You”, “Chinese Bitch”, “It’s Not for Me to Know”, “Lass Mich in Ruhe”, “All’s Quiet on the Eastern Front”, “I Hate It”.
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Dee Dee: Did you know ash is dying out?
Amanda: You mean what’s left after the fire?
Dee Dee: No, the wood.
Amanda: What wood?
Dee Dee: Ash. It’s a tree.
Amanda: I don’t know it.
Dee Dee: It’s a hardwood.
It will be extinct during our lifetime.
Amanda: How so?
Dee Dee: A beetle.
Amanda: Then it’s ok.
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